Going to Lowes in the middle of a Saturday afternoon is a bad idea. I lost Amy somewhere between Electrical/Plumbing and so wandered over to the bathroom fixture section and started looking at the tubs.

One tub was an enormous porcelain reproduction of a turn-of-the-century slipper tub that I instantly fell in love with. You see slipper tubs in romantic movies all the time, they're slightly higher in the back than in the front and have leetle claw feet... (Usually, the heroine is bathing in one when the hero bursts in, yells at her, and then pauses mid-tirade and notices that she's not wearing anything but bubbles)

So I climbed into the tub. Sure, I couldn't afford an $1800 tub (my car isn't even worth that much) but nobody at Lowes knew that so I climbed in and tried it out. While I was sitting there, I heard a high-pitched cackling giggle.

I turned around and saw that a teenager and her parents were staring at me. I ignored them and sunk lower in the tub, pretending that I was Elizabeth Bennet and that Mr. Darcy was going to burst in at any moment and start popping bubbles.

The teenager cackled again and this time I turned around and gave her my "If you don't stop looking at me I'll tear your throat out" look.The little bitch STILL kept staring, as did her parents.

They were THOSE kind of people. Gawkers. People that stare and sometimes make whispered comments and in general make you feel like freaky shit. Gawkers feel it is their God-given right to gawk at others, as if the entire world is a zoo exhibit put on for their special benefit.

Sadly, people that are the most interesting to stare at (fat people, the disabled, midgets, etc) are usually so insecure and timid that they never react badly and Gawkers are free to scorn them silently.

I try to maintain my calm when people stare at me, since they do it all the time and I should get over it already, but sometimes I can't shrug it off. I spent far too much of my life being a leetle mouse and turning my head when someone stared or made a rude comment. I like to be so hostile to Gawkers that they'll think twice about doing it to someone else. *evil cackle*

Sometimes...I am bad.

I got out of the tub in a foul temper and the little bitch STILL kept staring. This time I looked straight at her and did a high-pitched, withering impersonation of her giggle. This worked and both she and her loathesome parents walked away with their eyes averted.

Ok. So. It is 25 minutes later and Amy and I are in the (very long) checkout line. Amy is complaining of chest pains, and I was going to comfort her, but then I looked over and saw that the mother of the teenager I had interacted with earlier was STARING at me!

I stared (menacingly)at the woman. She looked away, but then looked back.
I stared some more. Finally, I lost my temper. Amy asked me what was wrong and I said (very loudly):

Me:Nothing's wrong. But if that dried-up old bitch doesn't stop staring at me, I'm going to break her face.
Amy: She was staring at my boobs earlier!
Me: (very loudly) She's one of those horse-faced bitches who think they're hot just because they've got a skinny ass.

As soon as it came out of my mouth I regretted it, but it had the desired effect of not ONLY making the woman stop staring at me, but also of making everyone in the entire line go VERY VERY quiet.

Except for the very flamboyantly gay cashier who kept giggling.