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My toe hurts this morning.

Tony gave me a bite of his cheese coffeecake last night and now I want some more, but I'll never find another piece being sold, as is my luck. He showed up last night with a bag of Nemo's baked goods and a quart of Vitamin D milk in order to have sustenance while he played Spiderman on Amy's X-Box.

X-Box games make my eyes hurt. Added to that, Spiderman's locomotion (in the game) makes my eyes water; I could've never worked on the game. He's 400 stories in the air the entire time and I keep thinking that I'm up there with him when I watch it. The fool can't fly so I don't know what he thinks he's doing up there.

Plus, he's relying on these tiny strands of web, which, even if I accept that they can hold Spiderman's weight, they can't be an unlimited resource. Surely Spiderman would run out of web. Does he have to eat more to supply his spinner ducts? Also, he should have some in his feet, too, or his butt. "I have you now, Spiderman... Oh no! I forgot about his butt spinner!"

The webs he slings to get around, by the way, look like they aren't at the right angle to actually be attached to anything. They look like they're going up into the sky. This is wrong. I mean I'm not exactly an expert, but skyscrapers can't be that close to one another so that you can sling a web, start swinging on it, and then shoot another web blindly at another building, all the while having chatty banter with some insane guy in a vulture suit.

Sure, I understand there are big buildings everywhere in NYC and that we're talking about Spiderman, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have to calculate precisely what angle to sling his web at. You can't just sling a web willy-nilly and just assume that there's a skyscraper wherever you want. You can't be all cavalier when you could fall to your death.

Plus, for that mode of travel to work, he'd have to weigh significantly less than he appears to. Did Spiderman get lighter when he got his superpowers? I don't think so.

Spiderman sucks. It's completely dated because if Spiderman really existed now, he'd be sleeping with like 47 supermodels. I don't care how big Mary-Jane's implants are, and what a great guy he is, as soon as he got superpowers he'd get all pompous and make the city pay him millions of dollars and he'd do commercials for Sprint.

Also, his red/blue suit is impossibly gay. How does he see out of those silver eye patches, anyway? He doesn't look remotely spider-like, either. Plus, he keeps saying that everyone is insane: the Scorpion, the Vulture, Green Goblin, but I mean, that's pretty rich coming from a man in a full-body leotard.

Do you have Superpowers??

I took the Paragon Powers Test and tested positive for